Monday, September 15, 2008

Not a daddy's little girl

For anybody who ever grew up without their dad most likely knows how I feel. Not saying I didn't have a dad, I did have a step dad but that is a whole other story I really don't want to get into. My biological father, yeah that's a good term for him, believe me I do love my dad it's just even after everything you would think he would want to be in my life, I am an adult now. My parents divorced around the time I was two or right before and my brother is 14 months younger than me. Needless to say we didn't have the best relationship in the world with him. Not only that he went and had another family, I know not all that uncommon then or now. But still to know that your own father goes and has three more children, actually two because my step mom was already pregnant when they got together, unbelievable I know (to this day she, my "step"sister has no clue, that is unless she reads my blog, which I doubt). To know your own father wants nothing to do with you the whole time you are growing up can really do wonders for your self esteem. Apparently, now that I am an adult he wants to be in my life, hard for me to believe when he lives across the lake from me, maybe 20 miles if that, and I haven't heard or seen him since February, on top of that my brother has been in Iraq since January and not a peep to find out how he is doing or when he will be home. Or how about not coming to high school graduation or wedding for that matter. My step dad walked me down the aisle and it was the most perfect day I could have every asked for.

I have been told over the last few years it was all my mom and step dad's fault, I can see that but I also find it hard to believe too. How can you not want to see your children or even fight to see them if you really love them? I am so glad my children have a loving home and family and will always know how much their parents love them. Sometimes I just want to scream and say I am your oldest child, why don't you care or love me? Not that he did a bang up job raising his other children. On top of that he now has nine grandchildren but only sees the five he really cares about, which leaves out my two and my brother's two. I know this must sound petty but this is how I feel at times. Believe me my life wasn't grand growing up but I love it now and I love my family, they are the best people to have ever come into my life.

I know I am just rambling on about my feelings but something just hit me today and made me think about it, so I thought why not write/type it down, it may help me feel a little better. And it does to an extent maybe one of these days I will say something to him, that is if he ever talks to me. I will continue to work on my forgiveness and I will just keep reading PSALM 32 over and over.

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